30 Day Journal Challenge: Prologue

So how did I get here? At the start of the Summer of 2022 I needed to take a break and focus on my health and well being after a little over a year and a half of attempting to go back to work. It's kind of interesting because if you think about it why should I have felt the need to slip back into that space?

So I began my sabbatical October 3, 2022 engaging in an intensive therapy program and embarking on the 30 Day Journal Challenge from Passion Planner; I've been using their planners and love them. Anyhow, so I'm going to start posting those entries from my journal here (back-dated).

Day 1: Set an Intention
List at least three things that make you feel grounded. How do you want those things to carry you today? How do they make you feel more connected to yourself and to others?

My intention for this 30 day challenge is to "let my pen fly" and capture the thoughts that come into focus for me I'll follow the prompts and see where it takes me.

3 Things That Make Me Feel Grounded

1. My bare feet on the ground/floor/earth. My feet connected to the earth makes me feel steady it allows my toes to stretch and to keep my balance in both the physical and internal sense.
2. Quieting the outside so I can focus on my breath. The world is such a loud place - there is very little stillness and with a brain injury it is very difficult to quiet the outside.  My brain amplifies the sounds of the world natural/man-made to the point of distraction - and intense energy drain. I try very hard to use the strategies I've learned to name the noise so my brain can stop cycling and shift (the noise) out of my foreground focus and free myself up to conserve energy.​
3. Time with my dog - petting her and feeling her breathing. The service animal ESA distinction is something I understand and value the difference - that said, I get it.  When Stevie is "not working" just her natural state has the ability to ground and there is something comforting that doesn't make me feel as lonely and her calm pace of breath at night helps with my insomnia.

Today I will find myself needing to create that quiet space for myself in order to focus on the task at hand - therapy.  It's day one of an intensive treatment program in Colorado. I need to take my breaks completely - no phone, no reading, nothing but rest.

At the start of this healing journey I was a slave to sleep and naps. Somewhere along the way I "got better" and the naps dropped off. I don't think that was a good thing and I don't think my brain knowing it can do more is helping me at all. In between tasks I need to stop, breathe, do a thing for me, and rest. I don't need to do more, I need to do less with more thought and care. I need to pause for reflection and to sense check my body. I feel disconnected from myself often in my feelings - lack of sensation and a lack/damage of emotional feelings.

My emotions are either unhinged as in hypersensitive or they're muted/dull as in I feel nothing. I don't love is deeply or fully. I feel separated from people and my emotions are awkward and not always appropriate. When I am hugged it doesn't reach me. Indifference is something I fear and something I believe is very possible - almost too close for comfort... my eyes do not look alive.